fuckitybye | 024 - snakey spam

Skip to Main Content

Entry tags:

malcolm is a real snake

024 - snakey spam

[Malcolm was en route from the men's bathroom to his room when the flood hit. Now there's a really grumpy (handsomely salt-and-pepper patterned) common European adder (Vipera berus) slithering along the halls. To humans it will sound like he's hissing a lot, but any animals will hear a first-class Malciavellian stream of profanities. Open spam; harass him at will! His eventual destination is the kitchen. Also, I know I owe scheming tags to a bunch of folks; sorry for my fail! I will get to them as soon as I can, promise.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

[Bob is wandering (his new status isn't really allowing him the desire to sit still very much) when he comes across Malcolm. The swearing gives him away immediately.] Malcolm? Are you all right?

[At the sight of Bob, Malcolm pulls up short and curls up into a protective pose.]

Fraser? That you?

Yes, it's me. I'm... well, I'm a half wolf, but my wolf side is from Northern Canada so you're not... you should be safe.

I would appreciate it if you didn't bite me though, I believe you're poisonous.

[Adam still was having trouble with all the animals around. It annoyed him to no end. Why did the Admiral think this was funny? Frowning, he paused when he saw a snake on the ground. Instinct took over. Part of him knew that it was a person on the Barge, but the majority of his brain just freaked out. He lifted his foot up, as if to kick Malcom away from him.

Better slither away, buddy.]

I'm a fucking adder, mate; course I'm poisonous.

[He curls up a little tighter, but shows no sign of striking.]

Would you like me to take you somewhere? [He's hoping this won't be a fox in the river scenario.]

[Malcolm slithers back against the wall quickly, dodging the upraised foot.]

SSSSSSSsssssssSSSSSSSSSSSS!

["Fuck you, you fucking biped shit!" He draws back the front part of his body in an S-shape, about to strike if Adam ventures any closer.]

[Malcolm considers it and sort of bobs his head "no".]

Nah. Think I'll just keep my fucking head down and find somewhere warm. D'you know if Paddy got his arse changed?

I saw him talking to Uhura. He's normal.

Ah, well, fucking good for him then. Maybe I'll go pay him a visit. Hope he's not got a fucking phobia of snakes.

Good luck, Malcolm. He's in the kitchen right now.

Ta, mate. Good fucking luck to you too.

[Malcolm slithers off, still feeling pretty damn disgruntled, but a little better. Not that he'll admit it.]

[Adam frowns, backing away from Malcolm. He's looking around now, to find a stick or a shovel or something like that.]

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!

["Bring it, fucker! I fucking dare you! I'll rip your fucking face off! I GOT FUCKING VENOM, YOU SON OF A BITCH." Meanwhile he keeps trying to make his posture as threatening as possible.]

[SCURRY SCURRY SCURRY. He's off doing, hell, mongoose things. Just scampering around the halls, although, he'd never call it scampering, himself. At the sight of the snake he stops abruptly and just stares.]

[NO WORRIES. I'm so behind on everything lolol.

Bela prowls up behind the snake, slowing as she reaches him. The tone sounds familiar, instinct toward wariness aside.]

Well, well, well. Having a poor time of it, are we?

[Frowning at the snake, Adam brought his foot down to try and smoosh Malcolm's head.]

[Malcolm dodges. Hey, these snake reflexes are pretty fucking brilliant. He decides to beat a retreat now, but not before a last-minute lunge at Adam's ankle.]

[OOC: up to you if he hits, of course. His venom is not actually lethal, though it'll hurt like a bitch.]

[Malc pulls up short and draws into defensive pose.]

Ssssssssssss?

[If Rex understands snake/universal animal lingo, it's "And who the fuck are you, Reepicheep?"]

[He gives her the most withering glare a snake can manage.]

I had fucking legs and opposable thumbs when I woke up. What do you fucking think?

[HE DOES INDEED HAVE ANIMAL BABELFISH.]

I should ask you the same question.

[Which, to everybody else, just sounds like a series of chirps and squeaks. He's sort of fixated by the snake right now, as his mongoose instincts are going "KILL KILLLL" and his Cobra Commander instincts are going "ADMIRE IT, YOU FOOL!"]

[He's not letting his guard down for a second. Because: FUCKING MONGOOSE.]

Malcolm Tucker.

[Adam winced as Malcolm's fangs sank into his ankle.]

Son of a bitch!

[HA! Malcolm doesn't hang on for long, though, and makes a break for it as soon as he lets go, slithering away as fast as he can.]

SSSSSSSSS!

["Fuck you, sunshine!"]

[Venom info]

Rex Lewis.

[AKA COBRA COMMANDER, is what he wants to add, just to highlight how utterly unfair this is, but he wisely chooses not to. He skitters forward a little, STILL STARING.]

The common European viper. Typically... timid, non-aggressive. Though painful, the bite is rarely lethal. Not at all like the cobra...

[Yes, the mongoose is starting to speechify about snakes.]

[Probably just as well snakes can't actually roll their eyes. Anyway, knowing that the mongoose is Rex makes things interesting, given Malcolm's business with Ana and so forth. He decides to force himself to be polite.]

Yeah, very nice. Gotta say I don't feel very fucking timid.

[Donnie hops down the hall. He stops upon seeing Malcolm and stares.]

[And Malc stares back.]

SssssssssSS?

[Which is snake/Barge animal lingo for "The fuck is this? Some kind of fucking mutant powder puff?"]

Well, you aren't exactly a European viper. Just as I'm not truly a mongoose. I'm sure that...

[He pauses, distracted. He really wants to lunge forward and snap at the snake, but no. He's not going to succumb to the mongoose.]

Anyway. How does it feel? [Tilting his head.] Being a snake, that is. It must be quite an experience.

[ENVY. Rex has it.]

[Donnie flicks around a little until his Barge phone falls out from his layers of fluff. He smacks at it with his paw to type a message, then sits there, waiting for Malcolm to look at it. It reads: 'dsonnuie dsarklo'.]

[Malcolm looks at the name. He vaguely remembers who Donnie is.]

Malcolm Tucker.

[Malcolm coils a little more self-protectively; Rex's body language makes him a little nervous, although he can't consciously articulate why.]

Tell you what, I miss having arms and legs and fucking opposable thumbs. Reflexes are fucking brilliant, though.

[Pause.]

And the fangs.

[Donnie's glad that Malcolm is reasonable thus far, and mostly that the snake isn't trying to eat him. He paws at the phone again.

'hopw lkongf doers rthjisd gop ion/'.]

[You're safe, Donnie. Too big to eat. Also, Malcolm shudders to think of the size of the resulting hairball.]

Couple days? Two or three?

[Hairballs are extra delicious and nutritious, not that Donnie would tell you that.

'hjow doi i stpop iot/'.]

Stop it? Sorry, son. You just got to fucking wait it out.

[Oh! Oh, that might have been a frown right there!.... But it's impossible to tell.

'ok thganksa'.]

No problem, son. Try not to get eaten, yeah? Some big fucking predators walking around.

[Donnie makes a ruffle sort of movement that might have been something like a nod, then rolls back over his Barge!phone to make it disappear into his fur again. Then he's on his way down the hall.]

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only