021 - malcolm is a maudlin drunk.

[fuckitybye]

[Audio. Malcolm's Glaswegian accent has thickened considerably.]

What's the fucking point, yeah? Bein' a useless cunt out here in the fucking ... arse-end of the fucking universe, not a fucking friend in sight and your family gone and fucking ... superheroes and things'll rip your fucking throat out and ... this is supposed to help?

Fuck this cack-brained shit in the ear with a fucking screwdriver.

[Click. Audio off. He'll respond to anyone who feels like hassling him via journal, but some time later, anyone wandering up on deck will find Malcolm standing at the railing staring morosely off into the distance. In his left hand he clutches his useless Blackberry and this photograph. Feel free to come spam Malcolm and, if you dare, ask him about the photograph. Also, sorry for spamming with Malc posts this morning. Done now.]

Comments

[inhumandog.livejournal.com]

No. It doesn't help. No point in trying.

Nothing helps.

[fuckitybye]

It's like a fucking ... river of shit, yeah? No, no, not a river, like a fucking Lake District flood.

[inhumandog.livejournal.com]

And we're all drowning in it.

[fuckitybye]

[Totally not really listening to Iago.]

There was a fucking time ... I could've built a fucking life raft of shit. I could ride that fucking shit-river all the way to the fucking OCEAN and brandish my SHIT-PADDLE in the faces of those CUNTS AND TOSSERS who pushed me in ...

Fuck.

Billy is an INCREDIBLY DUMB DRUNK. Sorry Malc :c

[my-freeze-ray.livejournal.com]

[IN AN INCREDIBLY THICK FAKE SCOTTISH ACCENT:]

Why is the barge so fuck fuck shit? All the walls-- the walls are made of cunt!

[Brief descent into giggling, then he recovers to LOUDLY DECLARE:]

AHHHM MALCOLM!

[AND THEN THE COMEDY OF HIS WORDS BECOMES TOO MUCH FOR HIM AND COMPLETELY UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHTER SETS IN.]

THANKS, I DIED. :D

[fuckitybye]

Oh aye, a regular fucking Billy Connolly you are, you little fucking twatsponge.

You're welcome!

[my-freeze-ray.livejournal.com]

[Twatsponge? Oh my god, that is the best word Billy has ever heard ever! He is literally gasping for air it is so funny. When he starts to come down, he adds to his tapestry of humor:]

Ahhhm no' Billay Connoley, AHHM FUCKING MALCOLM, Stop being a nonbelieving fucking atheist cockarm!

[fuckitybye]

Just fucking shut it, Doogie Howser. Hitting the fucking nitrous, are we? Sucking on a big ol' nitrous COCK?

[Spam]

[grand-lotus.livejournal.com]

[Yeah, being drunk just makes Iroh MORE aggressively nice. Who could've guessed. And there's someone on the deck who looks unhappy - let's go and be friends with him! He waves.]

Hello there!

[Spam]

[fuckitybye]

[Oh great.]

Sod off.

[Spam]

[grand-lotus.livejournal.com]

[You don't get away that easily, Malcolm! Iroh sets his arms on the railing, leaning comfortably.]

In a while, perhaps. What's wrong?

[Spam]

[fuckitybye]

Everything's fucking wrong, and if you can't see that, you're stupider than you fucking look.

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

My Dearest Majesty,

I do have a most sincere message for you. Once. Once, sir, I did arrest thee. You were playing golf and did not see us coming for you.

You should have seen it, your Highness, you should have seen it coming.

For what tyrant is not held to his people's account? Even by the authority of a sword.

'Twas, indeed, a wonderful day, when I arrested you in Oxford. I shall laugh and laugh and laugh and oh, was that your head falling from the scaffold?

Poor, tragic tyrant. Such a tale of woe.

Yours,
Colonel Edward Sexby,
Parliamentary Army,
Year of Our Lord 1658 (not 1665. Never 1665)

[fuckitybye]

Dear Colonel Oversexby,

I thought you were dead of the fucking plague.

Sincerly,
Malcolm Tucker Not King Charles Fuck Off

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

Oh, but my majesty, I came back just to make sure you didn't go and lose your head.

[fuckitybye]

Just fucking stop it, yeah? Just because I look like that fucking tosspot don't mean you can dump all your fucking issues with him in my lap.

[christ-onabike.livejournal.com]

...That was creative.

[fuckitybye]

Wasn't trying to be fucking creative.

[christ-onabike.livejournal.com]

Well, you fucking were. Don't come to fucking work today, if you're as pissed as you sound.

[Action Spamalamadingdong]

[doeswhatido.livejournal.com]

[[Malcolm, do you hear those footsteps behind you? Of course not—they're rather inaudible, after all.

So it might be a little surprising when 47 turns up a few feet away, looking out at the view. He doesn't turn to Malcolm as he speaks.]]

What is it you see?

Re: [Action Spamalamadingdong]

[fuckitybye]

[AAAH FUCK. Be glad you didn't startle him enough to make him drop his Blackberry or the photo, 47, or you'd never hear the end of it. He slews around tipsily to glare at 47.]

What I see is a big fucking baldy creeper.

[doeswhatido.livejournal.com]

[[What is with all the drunks today? Must have been that water thing...a flood, they called it. But a drunk flood? How little sense did that positively make?

An eyebrow twitched at the 'creeper' comment. He wasn't creepy...was he? Nika hadn't seemed to think so, but. Well. Look at what you were raised to do and think on it again.]]

I think it's a requirement to be such a thing in one way or another if one's goal is to be able to pass through any security throughout the entirety of the world.

[some-kinda-hero.livejournal.com]

I'm your friend. Or...at least, I thought I was.

oh look, DRUNK GUILT.

[fuckitybye]

...oh fuck.

Sorry, love. Didn't mean ... That fucking allowed, then? Being friends with your inmate? Never can tell 'round here, what's ... fuck.

Yesss.

[some-kinda-hero.livejournal.com]

Of course. I was friends with Serena before she left. You just can't be dating your inmate, that's all.

Are you okay, Malcolm?