021 - malcolm is a maudlin drunk.

[fuckitybye]

[Audio. Malcolm's Glaswegian accent has thickened considerably.]

What's the fucking point, yeah? Bein' a useless cunt out here in the fucking ... arse-end of the fucking universe, not a fucking friend in sight and your family gone and fucking ... superheroes and things'll rip your fucking throat out and ... this is supposed to help?

Fuck this cack-brained shit in the ear with a fucking screwdriver.

[Click. Audio off. He'll respond to anyone who feels like hassling him via journal, but some time later, anyone wandering up on deck will find Malcolm standing at the railing staring morosely off into the distance. In his left hand he clutches his useless Blackberry and this photograph. Feel free to come spam Malcolm and, if you dare, ask him about the photograph. Also, sorry for spamming with Malc posts this morning. Done now.]

Comments

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

My Dearest Majesty,

I do have a most sincere message for you. Once. Once, sir, I did arrest thee. You were playing golf and did not see us coming for you.

You should have seen it, your Highness, you should have seen it coming.

For what tyrant is not held to his people's account? Even by the authority of a sword.

'Twas, indeed, a wonderful day, when I arrested you in Oxford. I shall laugh and laugh and laugh and oh, was that your head falling from the scaffold?

Poor, tragic tyrant. Such a tale of woe.

Yours,
Colonel Edward Sexby,
Parliamentary Army,
Year of Our Lord 1658 (not 1665. Never 1665)

[fuckitybye]

Dear Colonel Oversexby,

I thought you were dead of the fucking plague.

Sincerly,
Malcolm Tucker Not King Charles Fuck Off

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

Oh, but my majesty, I came back just to make sure you didn't go and lose your head.

[fuckitybye]

Just fucking stop it, yeah? Just because I look like that fucking tosspot don't mean you can dump all your fucking issues with him in my lap.

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

Oh, I do not have a siiiiiiiingle issue with him. Not at all.

I just happen to like him a couple of inches shorter.

[fuckitybye]

...fucking Christ am I glad you're still in the fucking infirmary.

You are, aren't you?

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

Well, depends if Martha'll let me out...

And I would not chop your head off, sir. Once is enough for a lifetime, I do believe.

No, sorry, correction. Twice.

[fuckitybye]

Twice? The fuck?

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

One tyrant - that is you - arrested, another attempted to be assassinated.

[fuckitybye]

Will you not fucking get it through your thick fucking Puritan skull that I'm NOT YOUR FUCKING KING?

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

You are close enough, sir, and you were never my king.

[fuckitybye]

Fine, I'm not ANYONE's fucking king. Now fuck off and leave me alone already. See to your wife or something.

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

I can see my wife. She's right here with me.

[fuckitybye]

Fantastic. Glad to fucking hear it. Have fun.

[accountsettled.livejournal.com]

Oh, I will, Charlie-boy.

[fuckitybye]

... too much fucking information.

[And now he's ignoring you, Sexby.]