001 - Voice

[fuckitybye]

[Prior to this, anyone near Malcom's room (level 7, room 5) will have heard him banging about in confusion for a bit; as his cabin looks like his office at No. 10, that's where he thinks he is. Then, in an attempt to page his assistant, he accidentally turns on the voice posting device and a loud Scottish voice is heard:]

—Sam? SAM? The fuck is up with putting a bed in here? This some kind of fucking joke? I can ream out that twat Nicholson just fine with him bent over my fucking desk, aye?

[Pause.]

Sam?

Oh, for fuck's sake—

[Sound of door opening. Long, stunned silence.]

What the fuck?

Comments

Re: Private

[fuckitybye]

So do these people know about all that, then, or is talking about it like asking about the results of their last prostate exam? Or pap smear, as the case may be.

Re: private 1/2

[fuckitybye]

Well that's a bloody comfort I'm sure.

Re: private 2/2

[fuckitybye]

You've been right bloody helpful, Sergeant. Even if you don't hold with the cursing.

private

[kingfor-aday.livejournal.com]

Language or not, nobody deserves to be here without any kind of explanation. So you're welcome.

Private

[hopeless-hacker.livejournal.com]

I think in most cases, after you've been here for a while, you get the sense that somebody somewhere has seen you on TV or something. Confronting someone with the fact that they're 'not real' seems pointless; here and now they're as real as you are.

Private

[fuckitybye]

Right. Not like saying, "you're fucking fictional, you twat" is going to make 'em disappear, is it.

What'd you say your name was again?

Private

[hopeless-hacker.livejournal.com]

Toshiko Sato, formerly of the Torchwood Institute.

...and if you've heard of it then yes, I've already had the existential crisis.

Private

[fuckitybye]

Fucking Torchwood. Right, that made it on the zeitgeist tapes last July.

Private

[hopeless-hacker.livejournal.com]

'Zeitgeist tapes'. Let me guess, a...highlights reel of current pop culture?

Private

[fuckitybye]

Ha, you're good. Reckon I'm not surprised. Yeah, got to keep the PM and the ministers briefed on all the shit outside Whitehall or they'd still be banging on about fucking Take That.

Voice.

[toldastory]

I know we spoke about one in the meeting, but I don't think we've gotten that far yet I'm afraid.

And you are?

Re: Voice.

[fuckitybye]

Malcolm Tucker, director of communications for the Prime Minister of Great fucking Britain and Northern Ireland.

Or bloody former director, if what that Howie chap says is true and I'm fucking well dead.

[acid_rayne]

I think you just gave the Marquis at least five days' worth of new writing material, there...

[fuckitybye]

[Sigh.]

I don't even have the fucking energy to ask people to leave off now.

[fullmetalcorset.livejournal.com]

I trust this has taught you a valuable lesson.

[fuckitybye]

Yeah, it's taught me to keep my mouth shut around nosey twats who can't take a fucking joke.

[fullmetalcorset.livejournal.com]

And exactly how should such an outburst be taken?

'Up the arse' isn't a valid response.

[fuckitybye]

Ooh, was that a joke?

[fullmetalcorset.livejournal.com]

More of a tragic observation of our present state of affairs.

[fuckitybye]

Tragic like fucking Hamlet.

[fullmetalcorset.livejournal.com]

Funny you should mention that, actually, but it's best you discover the reasons for that, yourself.

[fuckitybye]

Don't fucking tell me he's here too.

[beam-me.livejournal.com]

No, I s'pose it isn't.

Yanking on my chain, as they say, mate. I'll have this discussion with Aziraphale regardless. If only to make your ears ring.

[beam-me.livejournal.com]

Uh, sorry? What's that, again?

[HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND, MAL.]

[fuckitybye]

[HE'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT WHEN YOU'RE OLDER.]