fuckitybye | 001 - Voice

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fcking love boat on acid

001 - Voice

[Prior to this, anyone near Malcom's room (level 7, room 5) will have heard him banging about in confusion for a bit; as his cabin looks like his office at No. 10, that's where he thinks he is. Then, in an attempt to page his assistant, he accidentally turns on the voice posting device and a loud Scottish voice is heard:]

—Sam? SAM? The fuck is up with putting a bed in here? This some kind of fucking joke? I can ream out that twat Nicholson just fine with him bent over my fucking desk, aye?

[Pause.]

Sam?

Oh, for fuck's sake—

[Sound of door opening. Long, stunned silence.]

What the fuck?

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Yes, I noticed.

I should probably let you know about floods, if you haven't been told already. Sometimes the Barge...the Admiral calls it 'taking on water', but that's not really accurate. The Barge and the people on board sometimes take on aspects of the worlds we pass.

[Malcolm snorts. It's a very dry, end-of-the-rope laugh.]

Oh my fucking Christ, you have got to be ... Don't tell me, the pointy-eared fucker is here too?

What the fuck does that even mean, "take on aspects"? Turning green or something?

Doesn't mean I tolerate it.

[Private]

...yes - we've got about ten by my count. It was just as strange to me as it is to you. There's also some angels, wizards, and... Time Lords.

My inmate can produce electricity on her own. There's a lot of incredulous things here.

How'd you do that? Ah, there we—

[Private]

Ha. Nice. So now hold fucking on. Actual bloodsucking vampires. Magic. And ... did you just say Time Lords?

Sorry, that should have been the first thing I mentioned.

I did. At my count, we have three versions of the Doctor, but have had five at one point in the past - I only recognise Tom Baker, one version of the Master, again, we used to have two, and the Rani. Who I've never heard of.

Don't ask. Just accept that I'm not lying.

As a more tame example, last week most of us switched sex. We've also had instances of becoming our complete opposites personality-wise, and I heard about a flood where people's worst fears started to materialise in their cabins.

~~And one of the Inmates is green, all the ti~~

...Fucking hell, I've gotten locked into someone's telly.

Just tell me that skinny twat with the spikey hair's not here. Had enough of his smug little face on every fucking channel over the holidays. My niece loves him, god help her.

I shouldn't do this, as it's relatively rude, but you don't meet many people from... normal worlds. There's also people from books, which I should warn you about, in some cases; ever read 1984?

I...think he might be, but he's an inmate. I don't know how that worked.

Oh, fan-fucking-tastic. This whole pleasure cruise just keeps sounding better and better.

Have I ever—of course I have. What, you got Winston Smith here?

...The other one. Not Julia.

I suppose he's your fellow apparatchik, in a way. Sorry about that.

I'd warn you about the...nature of some of your crewmates, as well, but I see you've already met Mr. Scott.

Yeah, conversations are open unless they're marked private. Sorry about that.

I beg your pardon? Is everything all right?

Oi, oi, tone it down, mate! Christ! His name is Commander Spock, and yeah, he's aboard too. The Lieutenant, too. And the good Doctor.

It should've. Especially this particular Scotsman. Too late to make an addendum?

I think, generally, as a text, it's not very editable.

You could always ask Aziraphale, he collects rare Bibles. Maybe it's in one of those.

Hey, I never fucking electrocuted anyone. Threatened to, maybe.

That kind of shit common? I didn't think the afterlife would be populated by the contents of my television.

Isn't there a fucking orientation packet for this place?

Do I fucking sound like I'm all right?

...who's this, then, Tristan Farnon?

Off the top of my head: most of the central cast of Star Trek, Irene Adler from Sherlock Holmes, at least two people from the Batman franchise, Edward Sexby but not strictly the historical version, the Marquis de Sade (again, heavily reimagined), Snape, Draco and Grindelwald from the Harry Potter books, O'Brien from 1984, Elizabeth Bennet, Princess Leia...I could go on.

So, common? Extremely. I think the rule is that for everyone here, there is at least someone who'll consider them fictional.

Trust me, this conversation would have gone an entirely different route if I thought you had.

[Sounding as stunned as Malcolm ever does.]

Oh fuck me.

[Scotty's not getting any more of Malcolm for now.]

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